Post Script

Been thinking about whether to continue this blog since last year. I guess the recent controversy about teachers being too personal with students has kinda helped me to finally decide.

So thanks for reading. And if you need to contact me, you need to do it via conventional email. God Bless!

Happy New Year!

Its new year eve. 2008 is finally coming to an end. Was getting a haircut today when I heard this woman lament 2008. It was a bad year for her. I don’t think she is the only one in these troubled times. I am sure many today will be glad when it strikes midnight and a new year begins. 2009 will be a new start.

But to be honest, 2008 wasn’t too bad for me personally. Sure there were bad times. But there were good times too. And all in all, on the balance, it was good. Of course it could have been better. So like everyone else, i too hope and pray for a better 2009.

2008. Lots of things happened. All of us will have different high and low points. Let me get the worst part over first. It has to do with the illness of a close family member. That is always tough. We don’t appreciate people enough until we are going to lose them. I won’t go into details. It is too personal.

Internationally, I guess the biggest thing about 2008 for me is the election of Obama in the US presidential elections. No I don’t think he is going to ‘save’ the USA and the world. I do think it is symbolically important. Like it or not, the USA is the most influential country in the world today, not just economically and militarily, but also culturally through the mass media. So for the USA  to elect a relatively young charismatic half black man to the top executive post in the country is huge! There is hope for human kind after all!

Of course the other thing is the economic mess the world is in at the moment. But enough has been said about this I am sure. Thankfully, it hasn’t affected me personally much except that horrible period when oil prices escalated to incredible levels.

On the Singapore front, I guess the most significant thing for me unfortunately is th Mas Selamat escape. We are fallible after all. The efficiency we expect from our system failed. It resulted in a huge man hunt that was unprecedented in Singapore. In fact, it even affected me personally as my place of work is in the vicinity of the escape. Hopefully we learnt the right lessons from this unfortunate incident.

In sports, I know many would laud some of the achievements of Singapore sports. No real impact on me. Unfortunately I am not a fan of engaging foreign talent to represent a nation in sports. Something seems odd about that. Ok for private teams, but a national team? So for me, the highlight was the achievements of Manchester United winning the premier league and the Champions league. Almost as good as 1999. I have supported Man U since 1977. Many of you weren’t even born yet. Odd I know. When I was studying in the UK, my friends were amused that this Chinese guy from half the world away knew more about Man U than most living in Manchester. Ha! Ha! This year, I remember sittig in a hotel room in Adelaide watching Man U win the Champins League. A wonderful warm feeling in a very cold Adelaide night.

On the personal front, as mentioned earlier, it was good on the whole. I got to travel which I love. Besides my annual work trip to China, I also got to travel to Australia on a work trip. I also travelled to the Czech republic, Hungary, Poland, Austria and Hong Kong. So that was good. At work, I have always believed that if I made a difference to the life of at least one young person, I would count it as a good year professionally. I believe I did. I also met wonderfully young people who gave me as much as I tried to give them. I really appreciate all of you. Thanks for making my life that bit better. I hope I made yours a bit better too. In my family life, things were generally good.

So I look forward to 2009. I hope it wil be a good year for all of us.

Happy New Year to all!!!

Good Bye 2008, Hello 2009

Yes I know. It is only Christmas Eve today. There is still another week left in 2008. And we all know a lot can happen in a week! Think of the excitement around the stuck Singapore flyer last night. Does not sound like a big deal, unless you happen to be stuck up there for many hours. Not fun.

But it does seem like 2009 is starting too soon already. Since Sec 1 registration, work has started in earnest. Some of the Sec 1s are full of character. I think they haven’t reached that teenage awkwardness that plagues some of their older school friends. Preparations for 2009 are all in full swing. Sigh. I didn’t seem to take a long break before starting again. What happened to holidays? Sigh. Oh well, actually it is not as bad. At least I am doing I do like.

So how was 2008? As we look back, we think of the good times and the bad. Hopefully the balance tips towards the happy. Sometimes I think it depends on our frame of mind. We can choose to see things positively or negatively. I am not suggesting self deception. I am suggesting that we don’t se ourselves as victims of circumstances. We take control of our own lives. We make our own decisions to do this or that. Sometimes things happen to us that we can’t control. But we can choose how to respond to them.

All in all, 2008 was a good one. Both in private and work lives, I think things worked out well. There were unhappy moments, but I guess when seen in perspective, they were balanced out by the happier ones. It would not be fair to go int the details of these events in this public domain. If I had made some of you unhappy at times, do forgive me. I hope 2009 will be a new start.

Well, so 2009 is coming. Like many of you, I think will be a year of transition for me at work. I am not sure what will happen. I don’t know if I will be happier or not. But I guess I do need these kinds of transitions at times. Keeps life interesting. Otherwise we get lulled into a routine that becomes to comfortable.

So, enjoy your Christmas. Let’s reflect on things that went well in 2008 and things that did not go so well. Then, lets move forward and anticipate 2009 with excitement and joy!

C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S

Hey, its my favourite time of year again. Its time for holidays, shopping, tacky Christmas decorations in town, Christmas presents (ya ye!), Christmas carols, Christmas trees, parties, lots of food etc etc. I love it. I loved it as a child, I loved it as a young person, I loved it as an adult and yes according to some of you, I love it as a senior citizen!

One thing that unfortunately has gone out of the window recently are Christmas cards. Too bad not many poeple bother anymore. It seems to go out of fashion with email and sms/mms greetings. Something is missing I think. There was the joy of receiving a card in the mail that said: “hey I care enough about you to take the trouble to pick out a card, to write in the card  a personal message and to post that card”. OK, ok cards don’t say that but I think that is what they mean. But times they are a changing and we have to move with the times. So I appreciated the sentiment by one of you who wanted to send a card from overseas. Hey I appreciate the sentiment! I know cards are not environmental (well some can be), but it’s only once a year right?

But what’s it really all about? Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping and partying, we forget what it is about.  So where do I start? As a child, my memories of Christmas are intricately linked to 2 Christmas records which were my family’s favourites: the Do Re Mi singers tunes which I am sure you have heard being played even up to today. It’s a classic Christmas record which introduced Christmas classics like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer and I saw mommy kissing santa claus (which is a really weird song if you think about it). Love it!

The second is a more traditional classic: the 12 songs of Christmas by Jim Reeves. Its really old even by my standards. My parents loved it. In one of the songs, it presents an acronym for Christmas. And I think it is not bad in capturing what it is all about. Here it is:

C is for the Christ Child born upon this day

H is for Herald Angels in the night

R means our redeemer

I means Israel

S is for the star that shone so bright

T is for three wise men they who travelled far

M is for the manger where he lay

A’s for all he stands for

S means shepherds came

And that’s why there’s a Christmas day

 

So, yes it is a religious festival. It is a time when we remember that we are all human beings. And we need to care about one another. Put away the commercialised nativity scenes in popular culture and what do we have? We have a the greatest Christmas gift of all. A gift that represents the love for us by our creator. Let’s try exchange this kind of a love for one another this Christmas season. Of course we will fall short. Human frailties are a-plenty. And believe me, I know. But we all need more love in our lives. Let’s help share some.

Merry Christmas to all!

42.195 Part 2

Thought I should have a short follow-up to the previous post. I lived! And I finished. That’s the main thing right? Sure, I took over 6 hours to do it, but I did it.

It is Wednesday now, almost 3 days since the run and it is the first time since the run I am no longer in pain since the 26 km mark during the run. It was really funny when I look back at it. At the 21 km mark, I was really happy with things. Considering I cramped up real badly in my previous half marathon run, I thought things were good. I was still running. My legs felt tired, but could still go on. The only real problem I had was the chaffing on my chest with the rubbing against the tee shirt. Worse case scenario, I would run topless. Not a happy sight for everyone else, but hey, when you are desperate, it will have to do. Timing was ok too. At the halfway point, it was just after 2.5 hours.

But at the 26 km mark, things went rapidly downhill. My thighs started cramping up and they really hurt. Then my calves hurt. My left ankle that had always been a bit weaker started to hurt. My knees started to hurt. My feet started to ache. Basically anything that could hurt hurt. Sigh. Towards the end, even my fingers swelled up. Or at least I thought they did. Maybe I was delirious. I wonder why. Was it the too many cups of 100 plus I had drunk and there was too much salt in my body? Of was it dehydration. If anyone knows, I would love to know. I really thought my fingers were swollen. It went back to normal at the end of the run so I couldn’t show it to anyone to verify. Anyway… What all this meant was that I walked the last 15 km or so. That is why I tooked longer than I expected. I wanted to finish in less than 6, but oh well.

So, would I do it again? At the first 21 km if you asked me, hell yes! I felt good. Things were going well. At the last third, hell no! Are you mad? I know we are all slightly masochistic at times, but I don’t get off on that much pain. Besides, as some of you know, I am sensitive to smell and remember I would fuss about smell after PE? Well, I bet I smelt bad too and everyone around me too! Especially when they brushed past limping me! Injury to insult! If you asked me immediately after the run, I would have also said categorically no.

Now, that the pain has gone away, my answer will be: “we’ll see”. It was good and bad. Running is healthy. It clears the mind. I get lots of good ideas when I run. It also helps a greedy soul like me to keep in some human shape. I love to eat. I am prepared to suffer to eat what I want. And I do enjoy it to an extent. I have written about that before.

Thank you to the 4 of you who stayed behind after your 10 km race to cheer me on. I don’t even know 3 of you all that well. But I appreciate it. It was wonderful at the end of the run to see the four of you and of course hear you! Hope you had fun too.

Completing a marathon now is something I can check off my to do list in life. But I may want to try to complete it in a more decent time. 5 hours? I wonder. But time is not on my side. Let’s see.

A good friend also asked what is now my next “project”. Don’t know. As I mentioned before, I already have a graveyard of past projects with sad things like tennis rackets, badminton rackets, a guitar, golf clubs etc in a room. Any ideas?

42.195

Yes, that is the distance I will have to run this Sunday.

Why? Because it is there to be run. That is a silly answer I know. It is trite and meaningless. But I really don’t have a better answer. I am not one of those super fit people who eat marathons for breakfast. I am not even a young man anymore with spare energy to burn. So the question is why? Before I come back to the question at a personal level, let me generalise for a while.

This Sunday, there will be 50,000 people participating. Sure not all are running the full marathon. Many are running the half, many are running 10 km. But a good number are running the full marathon. Why? Well there are different categories. Some are the competitive runners. They run to win. They run to win money. But these are really just a small number and mostly from the countries in Africa where they are exceptional at long distance running. I read that the world record holder is running. He can complete the distance in 2:15. That is just out of this world. I won’t even be halfway done.

Some are your ultra fit people. You know the type. But many are ordinary normal people. Why do they do it? For many, it is a sense of achievement. In life’s many trials, we often need goals to provide indicators of success. this is one indicator. The odd thing about these runs is that many people are not the young people you expect. I guess the endurance needed would be something people a bit older would want to challenge themselves with. And I am sure there are some who just enjoy it!

To complete a marathon in a decent time, you need to train over a longish period of time. There needs to be discipline and determination. It is like any other life struggle I guess. It is both physical and mental endurance.

What about me? Well, I haven’t trained that hard. The longest distance I have run is a half marathon. And that was a struggle. I have been running consistently recently, but I always got bored well below the required distance. So physically, I am not in the best state to do it. In fact, when I mentioned it to my doctor, he diplomatically responded that it was up to me although he didn’t advice such long runs for anyone. He was trying to avoid a lawsuit I think should anything happen to me but it wasn’t comforting! ha! ha! Hmmm…

Why do I do it then? Well, I do enjoy running… to some extent. Up to 10 km can be fun and gives you a high. Running is a solitary thing for me. I don’t really like running with someone. It takes away the in-time I have with myself. But over 42 km? The mind is almost a delirium, the body is a mess of aching everything. Well, I just recently hot the big 40! Its one of those milestones I always wante dto accomplish when I hit 40. Some friends think it is some kind of mid-life crisis. Ok, maybe. But better than some other manifestations which I will not go into.

I never was a fit young man. I liked playing sports as a young man but wasn’t a sports person. I hated all the physical exercise in the army.  As I got older, I guess I wanted to be more physically active. I will never win a medal running a 100 metre race. But I can get a medal finishing marathon. But honestly, I really don’t know why.

So here goes. I will try. It may take me a long time. But I sure am going to give it a shot. If I don’t make it through, it was great knowing all of you and have a great life! Ha! Ha!

Old Age

Philip Larkin – The Old Fools

What do they think has happened, the old fools,
To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
It’s more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
And you keep on pissing yourself, and can’t remember
Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
Or do they fancy there’s really been no change,
And they’ve always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
Or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
Watching the light move? If they don’t (and they can’t), it’s strange;
Why aren’t they screaming?

At death you break up: the bits that were you
Start speeding away from each other for ever
With no one to see. It’s only oblivion, true:
We had it before, but then it was going to end,
And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
To bring to bloom the million-petalled flower
Of being here. Next time you can’t pretend
There’ll be anything else. And these are the first signs:
Not knowing how, not hearing who, the power
Of choosing gone. Their looks show that they’re for it:
Ash hair, toad hands, prune face dried into lines -
How can they ignore it?

Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms
Inside you head, and people in them, acting
People you know, yet can’t quite name; each looms
Like a deep loss restored, from known doors turning,
Setting down a lamp, smiling from a stair, extracting
A known book from the shelves; or sometimes only
The rooms themselves, chairs and a fire burning,
The blown bush at the window, or the sun’s
Faint friendliness on the wall some lonely
Rain-ceased midsummer evening. That is where they live:
Not here and now, but where all happened once.
This is why they give

An air of baffled absence, trying to be there
Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving
Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear
Of taken breath, and them crouching below
Extinction’s alp, the old fools, never perceiving
How near it is. This must be what keeps them quiet:
The peak that stays in view wherever we go
For them is rising ground. Can they never tell
What is dragging them back, and how it will end? Not at night?
Not when the strangers come? Never, throughout
The whole hideous inverted childhood? Well,
We shall find out.

 

I first read this poem a long time as a JC student. I remember thinking what a vivid portrayal of what it could mean to be old from the point of view of a younger person. It is quite different from our usual Asian perspective of old age as a point in life associated with wisdom and grace. Senility is not graceful. The poem made quite an impact on me as more than 20 years later, I still remember it clearly.

With all the recent talk about advanced directives and euthanasia, this issue has become topical. With the greying population in Singapore, this has become something we will all have to deal with. I have my views on these issues, but I am not going to discuss this at length since there are multiple perspectives on this and there clearly will be no resolution. 

As I was growing up, I had first hand experience of an old age home as my maternal grandmother was in one for a number of years as my family couldn’t give the constant care she needed at home. It was not a happy memory. The place itself was ok as most paying homes tend to be. But being in a place where old people spend their last years is a sobering experience.  It really brings right before your eyes what life could turn out to be. After the years of experience in life, is this all there is left? As a young person, I resolved I would not want to be an old person dependent on others. Like we have a choice about such matters?!

Anyway, recently I was shocked to discover I now qualify for Eldershield. What!!! When did that happen? Haven’t I always been “boy” to my parents? Ok, my father has sinced passed on and I have lots of grey hair. But I am still young! Isn’t age relative?

Yes, but I have reached the big four zero very recently. Sigh…  I always figured I don’t really want to be around beyond seventy. So more than half way done. Time for major mid life crisis! Ha! Ha! You know, I also saw many people’s attitudes towards their aged parents. I never wanted to be in that position. Maybe that is one of the reasons why I never wanted children of my own. Don’t want to have children who will find me an obligation or burden. Don’t know.

Yesterday, I caught a great film on DVD on football hooliganism in the uK. In that film there were 2 aged characters facing old age largely in emptiness and loneliness. Sigh. Depressing.

All this is rather depressing. Oh well. Let’s try to make things better while we can. Let’s try to appreciate what some of these older people have done in our lives. Let’s remind them they matter. Their lives had made a positive impact to the world and more importantly to us. We will be old too one day (some of us sooner than others). As Larkin reminded us:

” We shall find out.”

On blogging

A few months ago, I wrote a post on blogging that generated more attention that this entire blog had since its inception. I think I provoked very strong responses which I actually did appreciate. And some good did come out of that. That is good.

Recently, there was a lot of controversy around the whole issue of teachers blogging. Actually the blog in question was revealing in a physical sense rather than an emotional sense. So it is a slightly different issue. There were past controversies where teachers had reveaked too much about themselves on their blogs which left them open to criticism. What to do? Teachers are supposed to be guardians of morality in society and open to scrutiny from all.

I wondered whether then I should carry on this blog. It started as a means for a group of students to find out a bit more about me through discussions on various issues. Didn’t work so well initially as while many read the blog, they were not inclined to respond. Later on, it expanded to involve even people outside of school. It is inevitable since blogs are public domains. What is the point of this now? The original purpose has gone.

I am not one for the whole put my thoughts/emotions in writing thing I never even kept a diary. Actually I wished I had as it would interesting to retrace my thoughts and emotions through the years. But I was never disciplined enough to do it.

Like everyone, I like being read. I know that most of the people who read the blog are students from school current and past. I am conscious that perhaps sometimes I reveal too much about myself. It is always disconcerting when people you don’t know know a lot about you. And as those of you who know me a bit more know, I don’t always hold the ‘correct’ view about stuff.

So the long and short of it is, I don’t know if I will carry on with this blog. I have to find a purpose for it first. Anyway, appreciate all of you who have read it.

When I was 17 …

Have you even heard the song “It was a very good year”? I am not sure who the original was. The famous version is by one of my favourite singers of all time, ‘ole blue eyes’ Frank Sinatra. More recently, it was done by Robbie Williams who I actually like a lot as well. Didn’t think I would but he does have many great songs. Also a great attitude, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, the song is basically centred around the different stages of one’s life which starts at 17 as the first point of reference and ends at 65 as the last milestone.  Well today is the day when I really should be reflecting more on my own life as I touch another milestone. But I was so busy in school today that I hardly had time to do any of that. I am too tired now and so will just keep to using the framework of the song to think through the different stages of my life so far.

“When I was 17, that was a very good year.”

Yep, I was in JC 1 at that time. I had unexpectedly done really well in my ‘O’ levels and chose to go to a JC which was not a top JC. So I was one of the top students and I was given many opportunities. I was president of the students’ council, was in the ‘cool’ Arts class. I was dating a ‘hot’ girl and had good buddies with me who were in the same secondary school. I loved school and school loved me. I felt top of the world. What more could a 17 year old ask for? The world was waiting for me to conquer. I was invincible. Or so I thought.

I found out later from people were not part of my circle of friends that I was an arrogant pain up the behind. A lot of what viewed as important was supercial. I was not as smart/talented/popular as I thought I was. But to a 17 year old teenager, of course I saw nothing of this. I loved me and expected all to love me too! Ironically, looking back, I would have so hated someone like me.

“When I was 21, that was a very good year.”

I had just completed National Service and was in University. I had been given a scholarship by the Ministry of Education to read English. I guess I took it up because I enjoyed my relief teaching stint mentored by a former teacher (who oddly enough I first met when I was 17). It was in a tough neighbourhood school, but I connected with some of the students. I also knew my parents were not well off and would struggle to put me throuh University. I enjoyed Uni life. Made new friends. There were some ‘hot babes’ in Uni I had fun with. Studies was ok. I like English. I was good at it and so didn’t need to bust my behind to do well. It was good. Uni student life is good. I had a lot of independence and could have fun without too much care.

“When I was 35, that was a very good year.”

Life was very much in progress by that time. I was happily married for almost 10 years by then. I was working for over 10 years. I had been a young Head of English in the JC where I had taught for a while. Since then, I had become a lot less ambitious and my priorities in life had changed. I had decided that personal happiness was more important than career achievement. I had gone to the UK again to do my second Masters since the Ministry offered me a scholarship to do so. I spent a wonderful year there with my wife and travelled a lot. At 35 I was a senior curriculum specialist in the Ministry creating the subject Knowledge & Inquiry with a great team, a few remaining good friends up to today. In my personal life, my wife and I had delayed having children to the point we couldn’t see how we could accept having our lives change with children. I didn’t come from a well-to-do family. I was now comfortable financially and could get most of what I wanted materially. I was happy with my life on the whole.

I am not 65 yet. Long way yet. Don’t know what that would be like. I am on the whole happy today although I do have my ‘forlorn’ moments. I pray that I will remain happy and at peace with myself always .

Banana man

One of you mentioned something I haven’t heard for a long time. You mentioned the idea of a banana to describe Singaporeans like me who in spite of looking outwardly ethnically Chinese, can’t really speak much Chinese. You know, the whole yellow outside, white inside thing.

I first heard it used rather derogatorily in Primary school by my primary school Chinese teacher on a whole bunch of us who could not speak or write Chinese well and honestly really didn’t care too much one way of another. Actually, if you think about it carefully, it really doesn’t work as an analogy. Of course I didn’t say that to the Hitler-like little man who taught me Chinese then. Of course, we weren’t white inside. Not even close. Communicating in English did not make us white. In fact, the English we use is not identical to that used in the US and UK. But that is how labelling works. Never mind if it really is not accurate.

I can’t speak for my friends who are in a similar position. But it is an odd situation I am in in relation to this. My parents were not proficient in Chinese. My father could converse in Hokkien, but he only did it with his friends. At home, he spoke English. My mother is the same. We were basically a Peranakan family. I can speak some basic Malay which I learnt from my grandmother. So having to do Chinese as my Mother tongue was always an anomaly for me. My mother tongue is not Chinese!!! I first learnt Chinese only when I got to Primary one. And it was a painful process which did not yield much outcome beyond the paper qualifications. I guess I have a good enough memory to be able to pass my Chinese exams with some effort. In fact, when I cleared my ‘AO’ Chinese in JC, my Chinese teacher commented that my prayers must have worked a miracle. Shamefully, my friends and I had a wonderful time in Chinese lessons in JC learning close to nothing.

This odd situation is actually more fundamental than language. It also goes down to the cultural referencing I have. I grew up not just speaking English, but watching mainly American TV programmes, reading very “English” books like those written by Enid Blyton and other popular writers of childrens books. I knew nothing of any Chinese stories or books beyond what was covered in school if I cared to listen. Even in sports, I spent most of my childhood idolising soccer players from the UK. I subscribed to UK pop magazines like Smash hits and No. 1, read soccer magazines like Shoot, read UK comics like Beano.

It was quite hard to grow up like that in Singapore. I have a very strong memory of me as a child absolutely dreading being asked to go to the stores to buy things as I couldn’t tell the shop keeper what I was supposed to buy in Chinese. One item I remember distinctly is being asked to buy “mee hoon” (flour) but ending up with “bee hoon”. And of cause, the shop keepers had a whale of a time teasing me.

Fortunately for me, during that era, Chinese learning was regarded to secondary to that of English. You did well in school if your English was good. So I managed fine with just doing the barest minimum in Chinese lessons.

In fact, when I studied in the UK, I actually felt very much at home, teaching Shakespeare to English students. Weird right? A chinese man from “a province of China” (according to a few ignorant English people) coming to England to teach the English English and Shakespeare at that! Weird! I knew more about English Literature than the English, I knew more about Manchester United than most in Manchester.

Well, I actually feel sad about all that today. I understand conversations in Chinese 70% of the time and can converse unconvincing most of the time. But my understanding of Chinese language and culture is really rudimentary. Very sad. Visiting China for me is really visiting a foreign land. During my numerous visits there, it was really an experience that I can only describe as alienation.

So I envy those of you who are effectively bilingual and bicultural.  You can effectively transit from one culture to the other, hopefully taking the best from both worlds. Don’t lose that part of you. Identity is a complex issue that I don’t have the energy to explore at length here. But in our globalised world today, having multiple cultural references an only be a good thing.

There are a lot of things I wish I could change in my life today. One of the things is I wish I had better learnt Chinese in terms of both language and culture.

Oh yes, all the best to those of you doing your CL exams tomorrow!!!